Posted by: navalanche | June 7, 2013

On hiatus

Two months ago, I started a new job at a flower shop that I thought I’d love and although I enjoyed my coworkers and especially the clientele, my boss was insufferably crazy.  And I know crazy, in fact I once worked for a man (who I’ll call Sam), who I told every year to his face that he could win the worst boss contest.  He was so conceited that he begged me to enter yet I couldn’t because I was too embarrassed by the situation.

He did things that other bad bosses do but he was a good looking man child and women would have sex with him any time, anywhere, including the office.  Some of the other highlights of our time together, mostly sexual in nature:

  • He went missing at the company Christmas party which was held at a major hotel.  I was summoned to do damage control when a co worker’s husband (I’ll call her Tina) found Tina and Sam in a stall in the women’s bathroom engaging in inappropriate behavior.  Her husband, who was pig drunk, stood on the toilet in the adjoining stall and had begun to clumsily beat my boss about the head but he was to inebriated to hurt Sam.  The fight spilled out into hotel corridor where my boss (a black belt in karate) insisted that it was a misunderstanding (that her zipper had broke or he spilled something on himself and to rectify the problem, locked themselves in a bathroom stall) and Sam made it clear that he was willing to beat the husband to a pulp to prove his innocence, if he had to.  Things settled down once the couple left but shortly there afterward Sam’s wife (who I’ll call Lulu) caught wind of the situation.  Lulu was even crazier than Sam.  She took Sam outside the building where she had him strip down (and I’m talking clothes off in December) so she could “smell him”.  She made it known to all that her nose confirmed his innocence (she was so drunk she could not have smelled a skunk if it sprayed her face) and the party ended immediately afterward.
  • At company and co workers parties, Sam would show nearly naked pictures of Lulu to the sales staff.  They weren’t sexual in nature per se, instead when they fought, things would escalate until Lulu (who was always in her underwear or less and with hot rollers in her hair in the pictures) ran at him with a kitchen knife or some other household weapon.  He would grab his camera and take pictures of her running at him with a crazed look on her face and then use his karate skills to subdue her.  I think it was some kind of strange perversion that the two of them enjoyed.  Nonetheless, he would show theses pictures at company parties and Lulu would find out and would start screaming at him about how demeaning it was to her in the middle of the room with the most people and demand that they leave the party immediately.  Sam would refuse and Lulu would storm out of the party and sit in their car, sometimes for hours, and then return as if nothing happened. Once, they performed this routine at a co workers daughter’s graduation party.  I really hated going to any event that was company related.
  • Sam wrestled with his pet parrot.  That’s right, his parrot and bragged about it.  After he and Lulu broke up, he came home every night to his parrot, who he let out of it’s cage.  The bird would chew on things, like the cords to the television, while Sam slept unaware on his sofa.  Sam insisted that the bird knew better (he had trained the bird to NOT eat his furnishings) and there must be reasons why the bird had misbehaved on these rare occasions.  One night, the parrot decided to chew on Sam’s face/neck while he was sleeping and Sam lost it.  He came to work the next day describing and reenacting the fight that he and the bird had in graphic detail that ended when Sam managed to catch the parrot and started choking it.  I told Sam that he was abusing the parrot and I had a responsibility to report it.  Soon after, the bird somehow got loose and flew away.  Sam came into the office and spent the day making “Lost Parrot” signs to attach to telephone poles around the area and reported the missing parrot to the police.  It was found a few days later (it had been mauled by a cat) and died in Sam’s arms.  Sam was heartbroken and did not have any other animals during the time we worked together.
  • Sam ran competitive motocross on the weekends.  In my opinion, he was too old for this sport, he was competing against teenagers.  Every Monday, he would arrive at work with his body bruised and battered.  While he waited for the sales crew to check in, he tended his wounds.  Eventually, he would stop in my office with tweezers and beg me to pull splinters out of his body that he could not reach.  I told him repeatedly that his behavior was inappropriate and would kick him out of my office. One Monday, I found him in my office with his pants loosened.  When I yelled at him, he told me that he had splinters in his “ass” and needed help.  I called the DM, who was in town that week, to report him.  After that confrontation, I still heard about it as he waited in the reception area every Monday and told the salesmen as they arrived about his biking wounds.

I could go on and on.  Eventually, the company demoted Sam and replaced him with the DM.  I think his days were finally numbered when Sam was accused of improper behavior while training in another state and the company had to hire a lawyer to sort out the mess.  Sam proclaimed his innocence and wanted the company to counter sue as he believed he was too good looking for the accusations to be true and he wanted his day in court.  He would often tell me, as he waved his hands up and down over his body, “Look at me. Do I look like I’m the problem?  No jury would ever believe it.”  He called the lawyer and insisted he have the opportunity to be seen in the court room. Once the lawyer met Sam, he advised the company to settle out of court.  They did and charged Sam thousands of dollars in lawyers fees that were deducted from his paycheck.  Every Friday, I had to listen to him complain that the lawyer was a @#&* loser and that justice had not been served.

Eventually, Sam left to form his own company, which surprisingly is still conducting business, and I’ve only seen him once or twice over the years.

But I digress, as usual.  My new boss was not as crazy as Sam but working for her made me miserable.  She hired me to work certain hours and then added hours to my schedule.  She criticized everyone’s work and then would go play Sudoku on her computer and then come back to tell us that we were idiots again.  Every evening, I came home and looked for a new job and when I had an interview that went well, I gave my two weeks notice.  I received an offer and fast tracked my start date.  So far, I love the new job, my boss and my co workers and I really enjoy going to work.

During this transition period, I had no time or energy to start any projects around the house.  I moped when I was home and I even missed the neighborhood garage sale. Changing jobs improved my outlook and I’m ready to resume my decluttering.


  1. just out of curiosity, did sam wear leather s&m clothing?

    • No, different boss. You are thinking of “Burt” who allowed his father to move into the office because he had no place to live. Burt was high all the time and had a compulsion to throw things away, including all my office supplies. Oh, he also really, really liked my sister, in a really creepy way.

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